What do you do when your partner does something with someone else that you thought was special between you two?

What do you do when your partner does something with someone else that you thought was special between you two? How do you process your feelings and move on?

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this unique pain, dear reader. I myself have personally been on both sides of the coin: in one case, performing a sexual act with an accessory partner that my primary partner felt had special significance to us, and in another case, my primary partner performing one of our favorite non-sexual activities with an accessory partner of theirs’. The good news? The problem here is easily fixable: Make a list with your partner of all of the sexual and non-sexual activities that you each consider unique to your love, your bond. Then review the list and consult one another on how comfortable and realistic it would be to honor those things and reserve them as being exclusive to your relationship. The “asks” can be anything from, “I want to be the only person you watch horror movies with,” to, “I want to be the only person allowed to eat your ass out.” I once had a play partner who could fuck anyone they wanted, however they wanted, but only their primary partner could kiss them on the forehead. It was a small, seemingly insignificant boundary, but one that brought peace, comfort, and connection to their primary partner; it made them feel “special”, and it was also a very easy rule for my play partner’s other fuck buddies to abide by.


In terms of processing the hurt you’re experiencing, I’m going to guess - based on how you phrased your question - that the perceived betrayal wasn’t actually a pre-negotiated boundary that you and your partner had both unambiguously agreed to, but rather something you assumed you were on the same page about. Remind yourself that your partner isn’t a mind reader, and that the act of something being deemed “special” is relative and unique to each individual. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are now going to flesh out new boundaries that will assist in preventing similar pain from being incurred in the future. Learn, live, and thrive!