How do I make my amazing, progressive boyfriend more comfortable with the idea of me incorporating other women into our - and my - sexual dynamic?

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years; he’s the love of my life, and we’re engaged to be married. Problem is, he’s straight and monogamous, and prior to dating him I identified as a non-monogamous queer woman who mostly dated women. No biggie, right? Our sexual chemistry is off the charts, and his ethics and politics are on point, but it was only a matter of time before I started going through femme withdrawal. I recently broached the topic of opening up the relationship to allow me to have purely sexual connections with women - both with him in the bedroom, and without him - and while the conversation stayed grounding and loving, it hit him hard. He’s not personally interested in hooking up with other women himself, and he’s afraid that I’ll end up falling in love with someone else. We’re very progressive people, and I think we can get to a place where this can work - also, I’m honestly afraid that I’ll cheat if we can’t negotiate something together - but I’m hesitant to bring it up again because I don’t want to keep hurting him. Help!

First of all, congrats on snagging “one of the good ones”; progressive, ethically minded men are terribly difficult to come - cum? - by these days.

Second of all, I’ll let you in on a little secret - I’m a reluctant romantic. A total believer of “love conquers all”, despite how often evidence to the contrary is thrown in my face. You and your boyfriend have a significant relationship incompatibility to address, but the good news is that it seems like you both have a healthy relationship with a solid communication rapport. Plus, you’re addressing it early on in the relationship; most importantly, before you get married. PLUS the world desperately needs more femme4femme intimacy. So I won’t be too hard on you. Promise.

I’m going to recommend two things:

  1. Gently and patiently increase your boyfriend’s overall exposure to non-monogamy. Exposure combats ignorance, and ignorance breeds fear. The less foreign non-monogamy becomes to your boyfriend, the more knowledge he’ll acquire, and the more deftly he’ll be able to navigate and articulate his feelings around it. Go out on double dates with poly couples, introduce him to your favorite poly podcasts, literature and websites, shoot him the occasional well-written article on polyamory, and check out local polyamory meetups that aren’t overtly sexual.  You can search for non-monogamous happy hours, discussion groups, adventure outings, etc via Google, Facebook, or Fetlife - pick your digital poison(s) - or you can just crowdsource from your poly friends.Encourage him to ask questions, explore theories, and challenge himself. That all being said, I’d negotiate a light-hearted safeword for your boyfriend to use if he’s feeling too overwhelmed with new information, resources, and/or experiences - you want to increase his exposure, but you don’t want to overwhelm him! Also, if you and your boyfriend are into dirty talk in the bedroom, you may want to suggest incorporating threesome-related verbiage into your narratives. You can tell him how hot it would be to watch him with another woman, and/or encourage him to tell you what he would want to see you do with another woman in front of - or with - him. Use your real desires as fantasy fodder to get him used to the idea, even if the reality of manifesting them is still out of reach.

  2. Hire a sex worker to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend. By hiring a professional, you take most of the guesswork out of finding that perfect unicorn for your relationship’s first threesome. Sex workers are great in the sack, have excellent communication and negotiation skills, are reliable, and are often much more of a safe bet for fluid-bonded bedroom activities as they get tested for STDs with diligent frequency. Plus, once they leave, you’re under no obligation to follow up with them - unless you want to book another appointment, of course! I recommend making a sexy date night out of choosing your first pro together: dim the lights, put sensual-ambient music on, pour yourselves some wine, and snuggle up in bed with your laptop to cruise local sex worker ads. I recommend websites like Eros.com or Slixa.com to start. Assuming your boyfriend responds positively to the encounter(s), you can then slowly begin re-broaching the subject of you having some allowed leeway with women who aren’t professionals.


Best of luck - I’m rooting for you!