Guest Columnist Ren Grabert returns to shine light on possible polyamorous deception!
I recently met a guy via OkCupid who says he’s experienced in open relationships and already has a primary partner girlfriend. Apparently they just do their own things and don’t have to tell each other about their activities with others. I’m relatively new to nonmonogamy but can’t help but wonder if he’s being truthful. Without any verification from the girlfriend, how do I know he’s honest? And is that kind of verification too much to ask?
This is a tricky situation, but one many folks in the nonmonogamy world know well! First, I want to acknowledge that there are plenty of people who practice consensual nonmonogamy and take a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to their relationships. This means that each person involved is aware of and consenting to their partners having sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people, but they don’t want to talk details like who they’re seeing, when they see those partners, and what their relationships look like in practice. There are a lot of thoughts on whether this type of nonmonogamy can actually be done in an ethical way. If a significant amount of information isn’t being discussed openly, it leaves a lot of room for dishonesty by omission. Additionally, this relationship structure can create a lot of opportunities to abuse power dynamics, especially couples privilege. In short, your concerns are completely valid - this could be a red flag.
Whether or not this particular guy is practicing this type of nonmonogamy with consent from his girlfriend, it sounds to me like this type of relationship structure might not be what you’re looking for. From your description of the situation, it sounds like you want to have some communication with your metamours (in this case, your new partner’s girlfriend), even if it’s just once to check in and make sure she is consenting to your relationship with her partner.
Relationships rely on trust, but trust takes time to build. At the start of any relationship, our patterns of behavior are what we look to for better understanding of someone’s character. Since this situation is happening so early on in your relationship and it feels concerning to you, I think it’s definitely worthwhile to discuss it with this guy. Not talking about it could lead to a lot more pain and resentment later on if the relationship continues, especially if things become more serious.
It’s also not too much to ask that you can check in with the girlfriend to make sure she’s aware and consenting to an open relationship. Asking to speak to his girlfriend is nothing more than asking for what you need (confirmation of consent) and setting a boundary (not willing to engage in a relationship without having that explicit consent directly from the source). A conversation like this can be difficult to approach. I recommend being honest about your needs and how you feel, and also leading with curiosity. Ask questions that get to the point without being accusatory. This is someone you want to get to know, after all. Even if you’re asking because you have suspicions, give him the benefit of the doubt until you see how he responds to you broaching this topic. If this is something he’s been doing for any amount of time, chances are likely that others have asked similar requests of him, too. Ask him if anyone has ever asked to speak with his girlfriend before. How did those conversations between his girlfriend and a new partner go? How does his girlfriend generally feel about talking to other partners? Then listen very closely to the answers you receive, and how those answers are stated.
This should provide some insight to whether this relationship is something you want to continue or not. If his responses are shaky or uncertain, these concerns may be something he hadn’t considered before. If he hasn’t considered that this could be an issue for a new partner, chances are likely he isn’t as experienced in polyamory as he says. It could also mean he isn’t super considerate of his other partners’ feelings or needs. If he becomes defensive or turns your boundary into a problem you’re causing, that’s also probably a bad sign.
As I mentioned in the beginning, this is something that comes up in non-monogamous communities often. If you’re open to additional support locally, I recommend looking into your local polyam cocktails or polyam Facebook groups. Chances are likely there will be plenty of people in those groups willing to share their similar stories and how they handled the situation.
Good luck!
Ren Grabert M.E has been teaching about health and wellness through a sex-positive lens since 2007. Their diverse work experience includes jobs both in the public health sphere: specifically in reproductive health and STI screening/prevention centers, as well as consent-based, pleasure-focused, education-driven retail, including nationally recognized adult shops Passional Boutique and The Pleasure Chest.
Ren’s passion is teaching healthcare providers the information and skills to facilitate patient-centered, affirming dialogue so that they are better prepared to discuss sexual health with their patients. Ren has spoken to medical students about sexual health and pleasure at universities across the US. In January 2020, Ren became the Program Director of the Midwest Access Project, and organization that improves access to comprehensive reproductive health care by training providers in pregnancy options counseling, STI prevention, contraception, gender-affirming care, and more.
Find Ren all over social media at @sexhealthinfo.