Andre Shakti talks friendships with exes and retroactive jealousy!
My girlfriend and I (we’re lesbians) started dating a few months ago and mostly things are smooth. BUT -- as a result of several previous polyamorous relationships that ended amicably -- much of my friend group consists of women I’ve once dated or slept with. My girlfriend does NOT like this. For some reason the idea of me acquiring new partners sits better with her than the idea of me still remaining close with my exes and frankly, I’m losing my mind and am about ready to dump her over it. Do I have any other options?
Of course you do, reader -- life is full of options!
First, I want to go ahead and “out” myself as also harboring a vast friend group that majorly consists of people I’ve been sexually and/or romantically involved with in the past. It hasn’t always been easy to defend my decision-making around this to new partners, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I truly feel as though exes have the potential to be the most loyal of friends, already having significant context for who we are in the world and having loved us in both our darkest and lightest moments. Strangely, choosing to continue to support and care for someone once you remove sexual/romantic access from the dynamic -- someone you’ve undoubtedly already been through multiple crises and conflicts with and who knows you so thoroughly -- feels like the purest form of friendship. [Most of] my exes are my ride-or-dies, for sure!
In their book Sex at Dawn, Dr. Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha posit that human beings are not inherently monogamous and that our collective societal effort to shoehorn people into lifelong partnerships goes against our biological heritage and continues to lead to much unnecessary misery, even to this day. I agree with many of their sentiments. Basically, while I believe that modern monogamy is a valid and legitimate relationship structure for many, I also acknowledge that it was created as a means of control, one that directly contradicts our anthropological history as hunters and gatherers looking to rapidly propagate our species; humans who likely wouldn’t have even understood the concept of “exclusivity”.
Monogamy can be practiced without toxicity, but it takes a significant amount of labor, introspection, consistency and devotion. One of the principles of monogamy that most of us are socialized to believe is that interpersonal relationships with those we’ve been intimate with in the past are no longer acceptable once we’ve found a new “mate”; that those individuals then inherently become a threat to the new partner and shouldn’t be tolerated. There’s a thin line between attachment and attempting to control others. With exes, people sometimes fall into a kind of retrospective jealousy, or jealousy about a partner’s past. In this case an individual’s anxieties and insecurities are often triggered as they wonder things like, “Were they a better lover than me?” or “Does she think about going back to them?” or “I wonder if he’s thinking how great things were with her.” For these kinds of feelings, I recommend reminding oneself that --
There’s a good reason why your partner’s past is in the past. Their ex is an ex for a reason (likely multiple reasons!), and you have to trust that they’ve already figured that out for themselves before you came along.
You have a past, too! Remember?
Thoughts and feelings are not dangerous. We often want to control the thoughts and feelings of our partner (present, past AND future) — a kind of romantic perfectionism. This is unrealistic and can get way out of control, fast.
Would you really trust someone who didn’t have a past? As a 31 year old woman, if I meet a potential partner and they don’t have ANY of their exes still currently in their life it’s a BIG red flag for me. What that says to me is that this person does not have a history of relationships ending amicably, which means I’ll be less likely to date them.
Unsurprisingly in a misogynist society, we see these possessive-obsessive sentiments often directed at the feminine-identifying person in the relationship by the masculine-identifying person in the relationship. In your case, reader, what it sounds like your girlfriend is doing is unconsciously internalizing harmful patriarchal ideologies from mainstream culture that support feelings of entitlement over women and femmes. It’s really not her fault, though -- this kind of insidious socialization begins before we can even put cogent thoughts together, and it can affect folx of ALL genders and orientations. Your girlfriend’s emotional struggle is valid; the way she takes her emotions out on you isn’t.
A monogamous society dictates there be a strict set of “roles” a person is permitted to fall into: Wife, Husband, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Friend, Ex, Family Member, Coworker. If someone doesn’t “fit” easily into these roles, we’re encouraged to cast them out. Cut them off. Participate in “cancel culture”. Consider them disposable. Any evolution or transitioning of a relationship from one role to another is discouraged as well (e.g. from “ex” to “friend”). We’re not allowed to redefine our relationships for ourselves, which threatens the personal autonomy and agency we’re owed. Remember: Monogamy may mean sexual-romantic singularity, but it doesn’t give you a monopoly over how/when/where/with whom your partner spends their time.
I also want to leave open the possibility that your girlfriend has a history of past partners leaving her for exes and has been emotionally traumatized by it. Have you carved out intentional time with your partner (when you’re NOT feeling emotionally activated) to gently interrogate where her feelings come from? If not, I’d exercise compassion and ask her probing questions such as, “Hey, I’ve noticed that my friendships with my exes trigger a certain response from you -- can you tell me more about that?” or “I’d love to get to the root of when and how this became challenging for you so we can work together towards a healthier, happier relationship.” See what she says! Don’t tolerate any “it’s them or me!” ultimatums, though.
And finally, I do want to give lip service to the fact that there are RIGHT and WRONG ways to be friends with your exes! Here are some hot tips --
DON’T : If the past relationship was unhealthy. Abusive exes don’t deserve any more of your time, period.
DO : Allow a healthy amount of neutral time to pass between the old relationship and the new friendship. Heal, breathe, take space. Everyone’s different, and it may take a few weeks, months, or years before it feels right. Don’t rush it.
DON’T : If you still have strong sexual-romantic feelings for one another. Of course, in a non-monogamous context you could theoretically reestablish a partnership with an ex, but that would involve an entirely different set of communications to -- and with -- your pre existing partner. Just don’t decide on a friendship when you both know there’s more to it than that (yay healthy boundaries!).
DO : Include your partner in on your friendship with your ex. I personally like including my partner in on my friendships about half the time, whether it’s coordinating a group excursion or cooking a big meal for a chill night in with everyone. If you exclusively hang out with your ex solo, it may begin to breed queasy suspicions in your partner (even if there’s nothing dishonest going on!). Avoid the headache and create opportunities for them to get comfortable around each other.
Best of luck to you!