Guest Columnist Intimacy ConAmore Gets Personal About the Intersections of Polyamory and Sex Work!
This is the fourth in a new series of advice columns written by professionals in the field of alternative relationships here at “I Am Poly(amorous) & So Can You!” . I hope you enjoy these fresh, intersectional perspectives on evolving non-monogamous relationships!
Hello! My name is Intimacy ConAmore, and I am thrilled to be writing to you all. I began my sex work journey more than a decade ago, but I was polyamorous for more than a decade before that. When I began this work I waited a few months before I told my partners. I wanted to make sure this was a career path that I could see longevity in. I considered that doing sex work could cost me my partners. Regardless of what industry someone’s in, I do feel as though we all have the right to walk away from relationships over our partners’ work decisions. Some people just aren’t made to date sex workers, and that’s okay.
What are the different ways in which I navigate non-monogamy in my personal life as a sex worker? Being non-monogamous, I already felt like I was barely juggling my time between my partners, my work, and my kids. Now, I have to manage juggling time with client sessions. Google calendar is a crucial assist; it has become a favorite tool for navigating sex work and my multiple love partners. I also learned the hard way that I needed “me” time. In the beginning of my sex work journey, I was booking sessions 7 days a week and seeing partners right before or after a client session. But soon enough, I hit a wall of depression and exhaustion. I was burning the candle at both ends with no time to rest. So I implemented “me” time on my calendar to help me navigate my self care so that my partners and clients could get the best of me during our interactions.
Navigating time with partners feels more intentional now than before I was doing sex work. I guess before, I was taking my time with partners for granted and not fully appreciating every minute with a partner. My sex work experiences have given me as much as I give my clients in terms of personal growth. Without sex work, I don’t know that I would feel secure in the ways that I have learned to navigate life.
Is it better to be non-monogamous if I’m engaging in sex work? In my experience, yes. In my past monogamous relationships, I never had the luxury of having a monogamous partner who didn’t get upset and throw tantrums about monopolizing my all of my free time with them and only them. As a non-monogamous person dating other polyamorous folx, we all give each other space to do whatever in our own schedules.
How do I bring this up with non-Sex-worker partners? This is always difficult to do. Will they hate me for my work? Will they shame me for it? To mitigate stress and save time for all parties involved, I tell potential partners about my work upfront. I don’t wait for a “better” time; I don’t believe that waiting until an ambiguous “later” time is better, as “later” feels like a form of deception by omission. I tell them that my work is my gift to the world. I help people find the joy in their own bodies and their sexuality. I help them unpack trauma or unpack the typical sex negative false sense of sexual shame. And then I tell them that I will totally understand and harbor no ill feelings if my work is a deal breaker type of boundary they have.
I am proud to be a polyamorous sex worker, and so can you!
Intimacy ConAmore is the current 2018-2019 PolyDallas Millennium Ambassador. They identify as a Two-Spirit Native Polyamorous Multi-Ethnic Genderqueer Mother of two Black Men, and their pronouns are Awesome/They/Them/She/He/. Intimacy resides in Dallas, Texas and works as a sex-positive Nanny and a Compassionate Companion. They travel to sex-positive conferences as both an attendee and a public speaker, presenting education to the masses. They also host local events to advocate for polyamory and provide support for all polyamorous communities through networking and visibility, with the hope of normalizing non-monogamy as a socially acceptable alternative to the mainstream. You can find Intimacy ConAmore on social media via @polyfreelove.